I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize