Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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