why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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