Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
if i died would you start the facebook group?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
