why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
