just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
