Don't make out with my wife yet
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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