i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
In other news, I just burned my penis
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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