I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
