A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
