does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
