you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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