My underwear smells like fireworks.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
