I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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