There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i think im in europe. pls send help
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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