I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
