apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
