I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
