You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
