either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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