you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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