we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
