Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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