there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
