I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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