My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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