life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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