ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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