Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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