I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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