He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
