i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
