I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
