Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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