I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
