I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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