We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
