: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
