He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
