I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
