Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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