I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
