I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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