My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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