mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize