She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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