I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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