my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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