i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
