tonight lets celebrate not being married
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize