Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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