WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize