I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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