My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
