Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
