so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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