All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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