How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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