i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize